While I’m at the Olympics, the reins of L’histoire de sa vie are being handled by guest posts from two of my favorite blogging friends. Today’s post is from Jody, who can usually be found at his site, Jody’s Escapades. Check it out! –Nathan
When Nathan asked me to be a guest writer for his blog, L’histoire de sa vie*, naturally my response was "absolutely not." However, after much persuasion and the promise of redemption in the afterlife, I reluctantly agreed.
People are always asking me for favors: "Jody, can you pick up my son from daycare? His father is incompetent and I am going into labor." "Jody, can you sit in this desk and speak into the teleprompter? Michelle and I want to take the kids to Hawaii." "Jody, can you land this plane in the Hudson? I think a pack of birds just flew into the engine."
While it’s all nonsense, I always comply because I am a pushover. So, here I am writing a blog post for Nathan Hernandez Menachem-Miller, who is currently in Vancouver, British Columbia, competing in the Miss Teen Canada Winter Curling Beauty Pageant. If you are still reading, you were either born stupid or have had a lot of practice.
I like Nathan’s blog because he takes us from the micro to the macro. Little situations expanded into big ideas. For example, I was reading his post about how he managed to save $90 on a digital camera by using someone else’s credit card, and then BAM! the identity crises of developing nations in the post-colonial Indian subcontinent! Micro to macro, that is what good blog writing is all about.
Unlike Nathan (or Barbara, as he prefers to be called), my experience in blogging is very limited as I only write about explosions, sex, and the exploitation of the lower to upper middle class, yet I think I can make a really poignant statement today during my stint on this little soapbox called the Internet.
Possible topics of discussion:
- Why I am a vegetarian.
- Why I don’t live in Texas.
- My third hysterectomy.
Reasons why none of the above will be discussed:
- Nathan is from Texas.
- I am a vegetarian.
- I only had two hysterectomies.
Why are you still here? Didn’t anyone tell you that the Internet now has revealing
pictures of Rosie O’Donnell for free?
… Alright, fair point. You can stay. Just don’t make any noise or touch anything.
I was on the crowded subway yesterday evening, returning from my internship at the New Yorker’s cartoon department (high five!), and a group of rambunctious youth packed on to the train. Included in this group was a young lady with a bunch of balloons. One of the goons who was with her intended on popping her balloons. I know this because he said "I have the intention of popping your balloons!" POP. Everyone on the train jumped and averted their eyes. Not me, though. I whipped around and gave the kid the telling of his life. "Listen you delinquent piece of bacteria, what could possibly compel you to pop a balloon on a crowded train?" He replied, "whacha gonna do about it, old man?" Whip. Crack. I nailed that doofus right in the groin. Dropping to his knees, I whispered to him, just loud enough so the whole car could hear, "if you are trying to impress these ladies, why don’t you act like a gentleman instead of popping their balloons." At that, I produced a bouquet of roses and gave one to every single lady in the car. To rapturous applause, I jumped out the back door of the train and disappeared into the darkness and mystery of the subway tunnel. It was really great and a complete lie. The kid popped the balloon and I did nothing. I jumped, averted my eyes, and ignored him because that is what we do in New York. We avoid confrontation out of fear of becoming a statistic and a blurb on the 15th page of the New York Times.
Well, shoot dang.
At that, I leave you with a piece of wisdom that my father’s father’s neighbor told him just before they left for the Battle at Valley Forge.
"Better go to the bathroom before you leave, as you never know when the next piss stop
will be."
Sincerely,
Jody Zellman
www.jodyzellman.wordpress.com
*An 18th century French phrase meaning, "the history of savie." Historians are still debating the exact translation of ’savie,’ but the current understanding is that it refers to instances when one attempts to turn on hot water in the shower and is instead doused in expensive, red wine.