Carbon Monoxide Detectors are Satanic
Now before you berate me in the comments with anger and frustration at the title of the post, let me just say that I understand that CO detectors actually do something. However, I’m not sure that they do much more than eat batteries and emit obnoxiously loud beeps when they need more food.
In my dorm, there are tons of CO detectors, and this is precisely what they do. In fact, since many of them were installed around the same time, they all run out of batteries around the same time as well. (At least they’re consistent!) So while we’re not dying of CO poisoning, we are being woken up at ungodly hours due to shrill BEEPs emanating from outside our rooms on a basis of about every ten minutes.
In fact, this is exactly what happened to me. Late at night (around three in the morning), the beeps became too much. I tore our CO detector off the wall, tried to open the battery compartment to no avail (considering that you have to replace these batteries often, you’d think that it would be easier to do so), and finally threw it against the wall to shut it up.
But the beeping didn’t stop. I went crazy. The batteries were clearly out of the now-broken CO detector. Why wouldn’t it stop?! Well I took the next step and disconnected the smoke detector on the ceiling. About ten seconds later, Jasmine, our guard, was at my door. Apparently, the smoke detectors are on a system monitored in her office. She felt bad about the beeping and took the smoke detectors with her.
Yet the beeping continued. Oh god make it stop. It was then that I saw that we actually had ANOTHER CO detector. Yes, there are two in my apartment, because apparently the danger of Carbon Monoxide is so high that we need to be doubly sure there’s no CO buildup.
I also destroyed this detector, and finally the beeping ceased. I went back to sleep. The next morning, while walking in the hallway, I heard a familiar sound. And a few minutes later, I saw this tweet from Sarah, who lives in the apartment across the hall:
F*** you, carbon monoxide detector, and your need to randomly beep throughout the day! I haven’t died yet–there are clearly no gas leaks!
Exactly. No words could better explain my frustration regarding what is easily the most useless yet annoying plastic circle on earth. But on the other hand, perhaps I could die of CO poisoning and it’s a good thing that I have this detector and early warning system and blah blah blah.
To this I say: I’ve lived my whole life without CO detectors. In fact, until very recently, we didn’t even have smoke detectors in my house. I haven’t died yet. You know why? Because I’m not stupid. I don’t leave the stove on, I don’t leave the car running in the garage, and I don’t own a furnace because Central Heating is much better anyway.
And do these detectors even work? Well according to this scholarly report, the answer is a resounding “no.” Residential CO detectors are ineffective and often incorrect in their readings. And most importantly of all, do people even die from CO poisoning? This is crucial because frankly, I can’t recall ever hearing about such a death.
The government explains that “on average, about 170 people in the United States die every year from CO.” One-hundred seventy. That’s it? Out of nearly three million US deaths per year, 0.0057% of those deaths cause Americans to purchase these expensive detectors that scream and wake me up at ungodly hours of the morning?
I’ve had enough. It’s time to say no to Carbon Monoxide Detectors. I urge you to stop the alarmism causing you to throw away useful money on useless plastic noisemakers. No more of this nonsense.
