Punxsutawney Phil Hates America
Posted in Ridiculum on February 2nd, 2010 by nathan – Be the first to comment
I woke up this morning to the freezing weather of sub-Arctic New York. The weather forecast predicts snow for tomorrow, which will not make me happy, because I hate snow. I hate snow not only because of what it is – a cold, wet, nasty slush – but also because of what it symbolizes: the winter. I hate winter.
There’s no doubt about it: winter is the worst of the four seasons, even worse than Frankie Valli. [Let’s be honest. Sherry is possibly one of the most annoying songs of all time.] So every year, when Groundhog Day rolls around, I await with bated breath for the ruling of the most trusted rodent in America, and every year, I exhale sharply in disappointment. See, it’s a lose/lose situation: either the sun is not out (so it’s cold and dark) or it is out but casts a shadow, scaring away this frightened land-beaver. [That’s a real moniker for groundhogs.]
In actuality, though, it seems to me that Punxsutawney Phil hates America. He knows that if he sees his shadow, millions of Americans will sink further into depression based on the fact that there are six more weeks of winter. He also knows, because Phil has a rudimentary understanding of climatology, that six more weeks of winter are inevitable: no matter what, the Spring Equinox won’t change based on a shadow.
Yet, Phil chooses each year to find his shadow, become frightened, and retreat to his home. He chooses each year to strike terror and depression into the hearts of millions of Americans, rather than give us the hope necessary to face the darkness and cold (especially the cold) of the coming winter. Punxsutawney Phil is a mean-spirited groundhog.